Ocean Avenue

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

-Neil Gaiman

Funny, but Gaiman struck hard with that quote. I have this habit of jumping from one relationship to another, mainly because I dislike being alone, partly because I dislike staying too long. Staying in a relationship too long might weaken my defenses, and I don't want that to happen. It was enough that I had Ban, who understood me without having to say a word. I was a tough cookie... until I met Cedric.

11/13/04 | I had a 3-hour long distance conversation with best friend / ex -

boyfriend Ban. We talked about my new school, and his girlfriend dilemma. He said he wished his girlfriend was more like me, and I jokingly told him that the only way he could find someone like me was to be with me. He laughed. The kind of laugh that only we both understood. Like 2 spirits wanting to be together but can't. Not now, we decided. Long ago we decided that we should be at our best if we finally decide to be together. No more hit or miss. No more insecurities. Just us and the intangible bond between us.

11/23/04 | We had common friends, but we've never seen each other. A boring night in a YM conference with friends; a certain happy_pipes chanted words from the Radioactive Sago song, Astro Cigarette. It seemed like a light at the end of the tunnel. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends dearly, but most of them are just too gangsta for me. Yes, I'd rather be the unkept rock star. And it's most certainly refreshing to find someone who listens to the songs

that I listen to. Nobody seems to be minding the happy pipe, and I start to wonder why he calls himself that. A skater? Oh no, please don't let him be an emo kid. A junkie? I guess that's fine, as long as he respects my choices.

Turns out guess #2 was right. Happy pipes is a personification brought about by the happiness one gets from the grass-stuffed pipe. We had a pretty interesting conversation from there, and it was almost time for bed. Found out his name was Cedric Kyle. I had an early class the next day. He stopped me from saying goodbye and asked for my mobile number. I slept well that night.

11/24/04 |Woke up the next morning, still worried why my best friend / ex-boyfriend Ban hasn't called. Maybe I should go to Baguio this weekend to visit him. Maybe he needs me. Maybe he's being messed up again. I went to class, but my mind was somewhere else. A beep and a shake. It was from Cedric. A casual hi that ended up in an exchange of messages. It was well appreciated, at least he managed to get my mind off Ban.

We exchanged sms until it was late, I found out a lot of very interesting things about him. We had a lot of common ground and he was certainly fun to be with. We talked about bands, about school and our friends. Turns out that we had other common friends in the band circuit. He asked, "Maybe we should go to a gig sometime". And I said, "Sure, that would be cool." I smiled to myself. It felt weird to be all giggly about a guy I haven't even met.

It was time for bed again. Got an early class the next day. Oyasuminasai Cedi-kun!

11/25/04 | I woke up to the sound of my Cellphone. It was a morning greeting from Ced. I realized I was almost late and rushed off to prepare for school without txting back. It was almost lunch time when I was finally able to reply. He sounded hurt and was turning on tampo mode. Surprisingly, it DID have an effect on me. I tried to console him by promising to txt him as much as I can.

I went home early as I had tons of schoolwork to do. I was having trouble typing my report while txting so I finally told him my dilemma. He said maybe I should just call

you instead. I gave him my land line number, then I found myself practicing "Hello" in my mind. A ring. Finally. He had this husky voice that was almost a whisper. A kind of calming sound that gives me shivers. We talked until the wee hours of the morning. He kept me awake while I was finishing my report. I found out he played the guitars and he used to be in band. Sheesh just my luck! My heart was fluttering while my head was screaming a disaster. I have a weird soft spot for guitarists, partly because I can't get myself to learn to play.

11/26/04 | I haven't received any other messages from him except his morning greeting. Normally I wouldn't mind. I'm a lazy txter anyway. But somehow I miss receiving messages from him. I constantly check my phone. I re-read his previous messages. I wanted to txt him but I don't want to appear too eager. What if I did something to turn him off? Geezus Isel, calm down. If he doesn't want you, it's his lost not yours. I mean gawd you haven't even met this guy. (That was me talking to myself.)

I was almost dozing off in our boring Asian Studies class when I received a call. It was from him. I can't answer it lest I want my bald professor to go shaolin-monk-ninja on me. I discreetly messaged him, in class. can't pick up ur call. wats up? He said there was a gig over at Park and Ride in Lawton tonight. Maybe I'd be interested in going with him. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkkk!!! I screamed to myself. He actually wanted to see me. Until I realized I left my ATM card at home and only had P200 with me. I had to think. If I went home, my mom might not let me leave again. But I want to go, I want to see him. I finally admitted defeat so I txtd him

Isel: want to but left my ATM at home. don't have enough cash.

Ced: treat na lang kita

Isel: wag na chong, nkakahiya naman. there'll be other gigs naman eh.

Ced: ayaw mo lang ata ako samahan eh

Isel: >.< tampo ka na naman. corny ka na ah.

Ced: eh sumama ka na kase

Isel: Ganito na lang, punta tayo pero wag na tayo pumasok. Open venue naman un, tambay na lang tyo sa labas. O kaya, I'll check for friends who can get us in for free. Is that a better idea or what?

Ced: hehe, cge. I'll see you at around 7?

Isel: aytness. I'll see you there.

I got to Lawton early yet there were already a lot of people at the venue. I even saw a lot of my friends in there. Some kids approached me asking if I brought some PULPcommunity cards with me because they haven't gotten theirs yet. Luckily, I had some with me and had the kids fill up the form and then gave their cards. I was being anxious. I constantly looked around for signs of my happy pipe. I finally got a shake and beep. Dito na ko sa 7-11. San ka? I txtd back with a w8 lang. I'll go there. I turned my gaze to where 7-11 is and I saw him there. A tall and cute chinito guy with long hair and a goatee. As soon as the kids were finished getting their cards I headed to where he is. He was staring at me. Sabi na, ikaw yun, he said. I explained that the kids were getting their cards so I had to tend them first.

We sat on the gutter and talked. It was just like the conversations we always had,

only now, he was beside me. He had his hand on my knee while we talked, and I found his warmth to be comforting. We talked more about music, and the outside world seemed to be distant. The gig seemed like a mere backdrop. It was just us.

He seems to be enjoying being beside me. I constantly catch him staring at me when I wasn't looking. And when I catch him he pretends to be all deadma about it. Then he would smile. A really sheepish smile that seems to epitomize all the softness beneath the rough exterior. We found ourselves singing along with the Yellow Card song called Ocean Avenue, "If I could find you now things would be better, We could leave this town and run forever, I know somewhere somehow we'll be together, Let your waves crash down on me and take me away"

I'm not even sure if that song meant something to us. A deeper meaning, an indication, a muffled cry, an unvoiced call. Let your waves crash down on me.

We went on our separate ways after the gig. He waited for me and Jing to get a ride before crossing the street to get his ride home. That night we became closer as friends, yet left too many questions unanswered. We were both holding back, afraid to lay out our cards. When I got home his YM was already online. We chatted until our eyes were about to give out.

11/27/04 | It was a rainy morning. I can't go out. I was trapped between the cold sheets and my fluffy pillows. I was waiting for him. I need my daily dose of Ced. It was already afternoon and still no word from him. When I finally heard from him it was way past lunch time. He was in his friend's bar, drinking alone.

...kya nga beer lang kausap ko eh..mizu na tlga..muah ulit.
...miz n kta mya2u2wi ndin ako..amp!.amatz n kc ako eh..strong ice lakas tama..u..mizu n tlga!
...di nga msaya eh..kc wla ka..wla ako kausap kundi ung bote..WE CAN LEAVE THIS TOWN AND RUN FOREVER..hehe! mizu tlga CHRISELLEEEEE..muah.
...mizu,mizu,mizu,mizu,mizu,mizu,mizu,mizu!..LA LNG!..
...Ei bkt di k reply?..msama b ung txt ko..miz lng nmn tlga kita eh..

kaboom! whappack! sya un umiinom pero ako ang nasipa. mahal ko talaga sya. walang duda. hindi ko alam kung paano. basta sigurado ako, mahal na mahal ko sya. I finally mustered enough courage to txt him back, ok lng po un txt mo. salamat. misnadinkta! kla k my tma k n?!? phinga k n pguwi m!

...di ako magpa2hinga kc mgu2sap pa tyo until dawn..ok lang ba?..muuaahh!..ok lng ba kiss kita?
...kaw kng ok lng ba n usap tyo. kng di k pwde ok lng..friendly kiss lng po un..u..mis lng cguro kita kaya ako gnito..

Friends... tamang lambing lang ba lahat yun? Am I nothing more than just a friend?

11/28/04 | He called me as soon as he got home. It was way past midnight. I was quiet. Unresponsive. He sensed my anxiety. I guess this was it, it's now or never. I squeezed my lucky poring doll for good luck, and finally let out my soliloquy. I can't do this. I like you... a lot. If I'm just a friend you might as well tell me now because what you're doing really hurts me. You can't keep on telling me you miss me and not let me miss you back. You can't make me feel needed right now then make me wait hours for a message from you. You can't just let me borrow your heart. It's either mine or it's not.

And then there was silence. Just static over the phone. And I felt like my wall has fallen down. All those years of building up my defenses, gone in just a few days. I felt tears welling up, and I tried to be brave. He finally spoke. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you suffer. I love you. I don't know how and I don't know why. I was afraid to tell you because you might not feel the same. You're so great and I'm just me. A messed up guy in a messed up life. Sorry na bebe ko...

11/29/04 | Pag hindi mo hinahanap dumarating, from the places you least expect. Nasa ulap ako ngayon, maulan man, nakikita ko ang kagandahan ng butil ng tubig na unti unting bumabagsak sa maitim na usok na bumabalot sa kamaynilaan. Mahirap makiramdam, mahirap basahin ang isip ng tao, mahirap bigyan ng kahulugan ang bawat kilos, at sinasambit ng mga tao. pero kailangan mo sumugal... eto ang natutunan ko kamakailan... pag malaki

ang isinugal mo, malaki din ang panalo.

Masaya ako sa lahat ng isinugal ko. Natutunan ko dati na huwag umasa. gaano man kaganda ang takbo ng mga bagay, something's bound to go wrong. Life is full of surprises ika nga. Pero sana... nagsusumamo ako at nagdarasal... na sana wag mawala... mahirap masaktan... lalo na kung wala kang kasalanan... at wala ka masabihan...

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------If you're gonna ask, NO. We're no longer together. I wrote this as an entry to Ate Noemi's Lovestruck Writing Contest. If you're not as cynic as I am and has a lovestruck story of your own, maybe you would like to submit an entry as well. But hurry, last day of submission is until the 23rd of February.